Queen of the Pavement

We head northward to find Calistoga, a tiny town nestled within the Sonoma Valley. Out mapquest directions don’t seem to suffice, so we decide to rely on the navigation service on my phone. We end up on Petrified Forest Road, winding at about five mph to keep from driving off the side of the mountain.

My phone is dying. I have no car charger. The GPS cannot locate us properly and keeps giving us bogus directions. We keep driving on this Petrified Forest Road (a comforting name) while I frantically write down directions from the phone, not sure if they are even correct or not. Thank god for excellent 90’s tunes lightening the mood for the trek.

The phone survived. We made it to the Calistoga Inn. Just in time to head to the bar on the bottom floor. It was DJ REGGAE NIGHT. YES.

We spent a few hours at the bar, eyeing the beautiful Calistoga man sitting alone at the barstool beside us, and bonding with bartender Danny. We promised him we’d come visit again. I’m sure he’ll be there, as he’s been working there for ten years already.

We awake from a good sleep to find complimentary breakfast waiting for us on the bottom floor. We seem to be the only people in the entire hotel. So we obviously feel obligated to eat an obscene amount of food to prevent waste. And we do so.

West coast brunch is different than east coast brunch. West coast has no meat. It’s all granola and fruit and fresh baked goods and fresh orange juice and dank coffee. East coast is usually composed of fat, egg, bacon, fat, ham, fried, chicken biscuit. Which I do enjoy from time to time, I’m not gonna lie. Anyway. West coast rules.

So then we explore Calistoga.

Today’s first project was exploring some wineries around Sonoma Valley. Not Napa. Sonoma is less commercial, it’s quieter, and less expensive. In other words, Sonoma = superior.

First stop: Kaz vineyard.

Kaz vineyard consisted of an odd little gated off house where the owner resides, a tasting barn, and and some patches of vines surrounding the property. They do.. 60 barrels a year? I think?

We kind of felt like we were intruding on such a quaint little piece of property. Especially considering it seemed like we were the only people actually on the property. We decided to explore anyway.

We wandered into a dark barn door and found a cashier’s counter with a sharp, super tan, super raspy old woman staring at us. We say hello. The wine tasting begins.

We go through twelve red wines, and jam out to the Rolling Stones with the raspy one for a while.

We wander outside into the backyard. A clusterfuck of old rusted bits and pieces of everything you can imagine. And lots of old plants. And a cat named Molly, who I hung out with for a while.

The raspy one showed us the Kaz fish pond, with the biggest fish I have ever seen in my life. This puppy was easily as big as Raphael (my mammoth cat, for those of you who don’t know). Apparently they had been abandoned at a foreclosed property, so the Kaz folk adopted them. They were fun.

Kaz winery photo jumping montage. There were too many awesome ones to pick just one.

We said our goodbyes to Molly and Raspy and the fish and headed next door to vineyard #2.

Next stop was Landmark Vineyards, a snazzy little piece of property not two mailboxes down from Kaz.

Once arrived, we met new friend Ryan, who poured wine generously and talked with us about anything and everything while we consumed it.

Jumping attempt #1: Jump off the ledge for superheight. Extremely painful and nearly impossible. We gave up quickly.

Preparing for jump plan B.

Luxury vineyard courtyard jumping photo accomplished.

New friend Ryan ended up really enjoying our company. He didn’t charge us for any of the wine, and put together a map of things to do and see before we left Sonoma. We said our goodbyes and headed onward to finish exploring before heading back to SF to catch our plane home.

First stop: Juanita Juanita.

Seemingly shady little taco shack on an old, slightly obscure Sonoma highway. Ryan said it would be a well-worthy place to grab a bite before we headed back to the city. We complied.

We decided to share a jerk chicken dish of sorts. We were presented with what looked like a rather round burrito. Perhaps because there was an ENTIRE chicken nestled inside of it. Yes, bones and all.. the whole thing. It was AMAZING. Well done, Juanita Juanita.

It only made sense to involve finger mustaches in a taco shack jumping photo.

Juanita Juanita washroom.

So continued our trek through the offroads of Sonoma Valley.

We noticed a gigantic hill in the distance (not this one…. the one of mention was too way big to fit into my camera lens). Nestled at the bottom was a… raceway? We were intrigued. Couldn’t think of a reason not to try and get on the property. So we headed to the gate.

A security guard was waiting for us. We didn’t have much of a plan set up.. so we simply explained that we noticed this hill and racetrack and wanted to know if she’d let us on the property to take pictures. We also mentioned we were from the South at some point, thinking that would somehow logically function as grounds for admission to a raceway. She actually complied. We headed onward and began our trek up the hill.

We arrive close to the top. As far as they’ll allow us to go at least. And what greater thing to be waiting for us than…. a giant hill COVERED IN SHEEP. Glorious.

High-altitude sheep covered hill jumping photo accomplished.

And then it was back to San Francisco for some last minute projects before plane-boarding time.

[to be continued...]